Guarantee:  Every one of these boldfaced items is in the book.

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My wife says I must have a screw loose, or be a little nuts, but I love wandering around hardware stores, looking at all those mysterious things on display and trying to figure them out.  Sometimes it is just plain hard to wrench myself away from the store. 

It's hard to nail down the real terms, no matter how long I keep hammering away at it, no matter how long I drill down to find the answers.  I mean, isn't a bone wrench something for orthopedists?  What about the spud wrench?  Is it for removing potatoes or what?  And what the hell is a spud? If it IS a potato, why do I need a wrench for it?  Is a butt chisel for plastic surgeons?  Isn't oakum something kids had for breakfast back in the thirties?  I’m just looking for bits of information.

It appears that there are plenty of risqué items even in home centers.  You can get a hickey (just for installing a light fixture, and you don't even have go out on a date first).  If you're feeling frisky, you can get tung oil or X-rated sandpaper;  the larger stores may carry undressed stone, but you have to carry it home uncovered, which seems like it could be embarrassing.  Single women are into doing their own work these days, but there is a stud finder to help those who are so inclined.  I can only imagine what one does with a deep-throat socket wrench (or, for that matter, a deep-throat c-clamp--ouch!!!)  I mean, who'd a thought you'd be able to get all those things in a home center!?  Go figure.

Not only that, there’s plenty of wildlife in home centers.  Start with the cat's paw and move onto the pig's foot, the crow’s foot as well as the crow bar, the hawk, two kinds of snakes, and of course, the old reliable saw horse.   Frankly, it seems dangerous, but that’s part of these stores’ appeal to me.

So I continue to spend too much time and money at the hardware store, driving my wife nuts.  Does that make me a nut driver?  Is  she going to bolt from the house?  Does our marriage hinge on my shaking the hardware habit?  Is it really such a terrible vise? (Sorry).   What tackshould I take?  If I change my habit and get used to it, does that make me an adapter?  

And finally, is a cube tap a modernistic bar where gimlets are something you drink, rather than start holes with?  Speaking on the level, I’m worried about what my wife would say if she saw me at such a bar when I was merely doing my usual hardware research...I’d have to paint a complete picture of the situation for her and prime her (sorry again) for the unvarnished truth, not brush aside her concerns:  Hardware rocks!

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* - Again, please do NOT reproduce anything from this piece without attribution and link to my book and this site. If you do this, it’s free.  Thank you!

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